Things I Want To Be Cool At

I have a list that I wrote out about 3 years ago. Before my surprise son, before Gabe lost his job and we had to short sell our house. And before the renters destroyed our 1st house and stopped paying us so that we had to kick them out and move (for the 3rd time in a year) back in after gutting the place. (We even had to replace walls, it was so gross).

I called it my 'Things I want to be cool at' list and I saved it in my palm pilot (and forgot about it because I only use the palm for a glorified calculator and grocery list.) In looking at the list, I see that there are many things I wrote that I haven't really made any headway with, some that I started to but circumstances changed, many that I would still like to try and some that I think I've changed my mind about.

Here is a partial record of my list.

Exercise: do P90X, be stronger, strengthen core---
I actually did this, then I got lazy and didn't really exercise much, not consistently. Then I had a surprise pregnancy-he's 8 months old now-and I was sick for the first 4 months so my plan to keep exercising was altered and I craved nothing but nachos for the rest. So I currently can not do the X anymore. But I aspire to get there again.

Sports and Recreation:
archery--I'm still interested, and daughter #1 plans to take lessons this summer too.
croquet, juggling sticks,--I have a nice set of sticks and I was pretty good at first, better than Gabe even. But he is kinda obsessive over techniques and stuff so he ended up getting much better than me. Which annoyed me. I still like playing with them but I don't do anything real fancy.
hiking, surfing.--OK, first of all, I can't swim. And second the friend that tried to convince me that surfing is good and I don't need to know how to swim moved far, far away. Also, I live in Colorado. I've heard some very resourceful ones figured out how to surf here, but I'm still gonna fall back on the I don't swim excuse.

Parenting:
Be consistent with Love and Logic, Share my love and my time, do things with the girls-outings, cooking, enjoy their company. Commend their positives and be empathetic to their negatives.---

I have not been consistent. I have a drill sergent personality, I want it done and I want it done now! I also have a hard time being empathetic to stupidity-especially in adults-this is a hard one to break. My mom used to belittle me at times and I work really hard not to do that to my kids but I still need to be more empathetic I think.

I read a quote somewhere that said "children spell love T I M E" and I can totally see that. They don't need the fancy toys (they don't really play with them when they get them anyway, the stuff just gets lost or broken.) but they relish the time we spend. I instituted 'Mom and Me day' a few years back, (maybe when I first wrote this list, I don't remember) its a time where I spend the day with just one of them. We don't even do anything fancy, I run errands or we go for a walk or do some baking, but its just the 2 of us. All the the girls love it and ask when our next one will be. I wish I could do it more, I don't want to be one of those moms that thinks they know their kid when they really have no clue. These are each individual people and I want to know them all.

Jewelry:
necklaces, bracelets, earrings, anklets, ropes---these I've done many of.
pins, charms, hair sticks, pmc-these I sill want to try or do more.

Art:
painting, drawing, masks, (paper mache, resin...) collage, stamps, paper, clay, altered books, furniture (paint, cover, build)---
Many of these I've done but not nearly enough. I started a project as an anniversary gift for a friend about 3 years ago which is still not done. I wanted Gabe to sculpt part of it for me as that is his area of expertise, and he still has not finished, so neither have I.
I have not experimented with the masks yet but I still think they would be cool. I am in the middle of making covers for a few pieces of furniture, but I'm such a beginner when it comes to sewing that the stitch ripper is my best tool.

Playing:
bass--Gabe is a bass player. He's played since he was about 14, he doesn't play everyday so he claims he's not that good. He needs to stop comparing himself to Les Claypool. He is good and has written some great bass songs. And his fingers are abnormally long and stretchy because of it. However I have learned that I can't learn from him. Not well anyway. His teaching style is a complete opposite of my learning style and I get very annoyed when he takes over stuff. He's trying to get better at that, but maybe that's why he hasn't showed me a lot of stuff I asked him to show me. He used to teach bass in school and his students went on to perform but after 14 years I still don't know how to play. Maybe that's my fault? Nah.

Meliss

I Choose This

So I just finished reading a great post by illustrator David Billings of Sparkyfirepants about being your own person (or bot) whoever that may be. I'm feeling frustrated because I've had a night of being mad at the kids and the messy house, and its really not the easiest thing to type and nurse a grouchy baby at the same time. And I'm not the greatest typist to begin with. (picture by artist David Billings)

But reflecting on his words make me think that I'm not being my own bot. Now he was talking about not being ashamed of who you are. If you love math or Legos or whatever, do your best at whatever you love and don't let those who don't understand your thing stop you from doing or enjoying your thing. I get that.

But then I wondered if I'm not being my own bot in another way. Here I am stuck in the middle of the life I chose and feeling like I really need a vacation. Like I'm severely under appreciated or maybe I somehow got gypped. But I chose this. I wanted to be a stay home mom with a house and a cat. I know there are a lot of moms out there that would love to stay home with the kids all day and can't for some reason, and there are a lot of women who would love to be moms but can't for some reason. In that sense I'm very blessed, so what exactly is it that I think I need a vacation from?

I have always enjoyed making art and have continued to try to do so even when I didn't get support because it wasn't "real" art or it wasn't a good money maker or any of the other reasons that so called, well meaning naysayers tend to give. But I didn't chose art as my career. I didn't go to art school or start off trying to make money for the things I made (though the idea is exciting). I chose to be a mom. That's what I do. I make lunch and clean house, I wipe noses and help with school work, and I think maybe I've been a little lax in my responsibilities. I don't always want to make lunch or change diapers or try to explain the math again. Maybe that's normal to get burned out on the things you like sometimes, or maybe I'm doing the under appreciating. I get so frustrated when I'm trying to do a few things that I've attached some deadline or goal to, and I get a million interruptions because 1 is hungry and 1 needs help with school and 1 is screaming for attention and 1 is just screaming.(Yes, I have 4) But I think I must have lost touch with myself somewhere. If I stop and just be the mom, not momish and 2 or 3 other things at the same time, everything runs more smoothly in the end.

My kids are good kids. They are some of the most polite, considerate, well behaved kids of any I know, and I don't say that just because I'm their mom. I've been told this many times. Yes, they push my buttons, that's their job. So whats my problem? When I think about, I don't really know. There's a part of me that really wants to create, and to feel good about what I've made and to share it with others. That part of me doesn't get much time because the mom part of me has priority right now. Maybe the artist part just feels like whining right now. But it knows it's time will come. The kids will grow up and rely on me less and less, maybe not at all at some point. Then the artist part will have tons of time on her hands and the mom part will whine because she feels like she was somehow gypped. Maybe they should both stop whining and be happy for what they have. (and maybe I should stop talking about myself in third person. people.)

Mr. Billings' blog also talked about when little kids do silly things just because it seems good to do at the time, and how as we grow older, we stop putting ourselves out there because we've been taught that it's not good to be weird or not fit in. It reminded me of a sort of revelation I had last week. My nearly 5 yr old daughter asked me what it means to be embarrassed. I did my best to explain in terms she would understand. I said stuff like 'it's like being ashamed when you do something, like foofing really loud during a prayer.' Then I realized that that would not embarrass my daughter, she would probably laugh hysterically. (I would be embarrassed) Then I realized that if she felt embarrassment (or shame ) for that it would probably be because she got scolded for it and told that it was inappropriate, or impolite. I imagine the twinkly smile on her face instantly dropping into a downcast look, mouth in a frown, avoiding eye contact, and maybe with a quavering voice apologizing for being wrong. And I realized that, by my definition anyway, embarrassment is closely related to shame, and it is learned.

I think I've seen my little girls (all three) make that very face. I think I probably caused it. Then I worry a little bit. Have I caused them to be wallflowers because I over reacted to something at some time. ( yes, in that incident, they do need to learn tact and self control, but there are many other incidents that people get embarrassed from) I think about the things that embarrass me, or in that I am the proverbial wallflower, that I feel terrified to jump out there and try, and that fear is tied to embarrassment. Is it shame too? What are we doing to our kids, to ourselves when we chastise or criticize things we don't agree with or don't understand. Do we hold ourselves back from doing great things because we are embarrassed? Ashamed or afraid to be criticized? And what great blessings are we missing out on, or potentially causing our children to miss out on, by instilling that shame in them. To be ashamed at true wrongdoing is one thing. I think that's healthy and a good sign that a person has a conscience, but to feel ashamed or embarrassed to so something good...that is a great disfavor to everyone involved.

So am I not being my own bot? Am I not putting myself fully in the role or roles that I've chosen for myself? That's another question. Can I really be in two major roles, or do I need to concentrate on doing one well? And what am I missing out on by being embarrassed or listening to that scolding that says I'm not supposed to do it that way? How do we ignore useless criticism and still have ears to listen to wise council? If these are all the things that a child must try to figure out in the first 5 years then no wonder they zone out and go on wild runs sometimes. While my artist side is very excited by recent accomplishments, she must be reasonable and remember that mom side has a lot more work to do. I will continue to create things like I always have, but I cannot spend 40+ hours a week in the studio. I'll be lucky if I get 2. And while that is much slower going than I would prefer, it's OK. I have the even more important job of helping 4 little ones find the right path and "be their own bots."

Meliss

Sneak Peek

I suppose I should plan these things better. I often have "great" ideas for a blog, but I forget them by the time I sit down to write. (I say 'write' because I'm old fashioned-I deny liking computers at all- and I'm stubborn) I really should carry a notebook with me to jot things down. (come to think of it, Husband has equipped me with a palm pilot that I could take notes in, but again, I'm old fashioned and stubborn. I hate taking notes on the thing. I use it for my grocery list and the calculator.)

In the scheme of things in general, I don't know that I'm being uninhibited or making great strides and working great plans. But I am moving forward, so I guess that's something. Maybe I'm just impatient or expecting to much in too little a time. I can see where I want to be and it's frustrating that I'm not there yet. I think we all have that problem and that's what gets us down. We get discouraged and slow or maybe even give up and stop altogether because we focus on what we don't have or what we're not accomplishing.

Instead, we, I, should focus on how far I have gotten, what I have accomplished, and what I do have. (Kinda goes along with what I was saying in my last post. Even though I'm not where I would like to be, and it sometimes seems like times are bad, I still have many things to be thankful for and I still have what I need.)

So what have I accomplished? (Here's the part where I want to be really negative and spout off all the things that didn't work or I didn't get to or I did wrong-but I wont.)
Well, after many months (over a year actually) I have finally convinced Gabe to help me to open a store on Etsy. I have written and refined (and will refine a bit more) the policies for my shop, as well as the bio and shipping info. (scary stuff, but I think I'll figure it out)

And just this week, Gabe has helped me to take pictures of the first few items that I will be listing on my Tweedlepox Etsy store. Here is a sneak peek of what is to come.

Grace's Garden



Silver Bali earrings

I will be listing these as well as five other pieces in just a few days, with more to come soon after. I'm listing a few at a time to stagger it a bit and give me time to set things up, figure out how they work, and have time to create new pieces as well.

I'm still very nervous about the whole thing. Will I remember everything? Will I do it right? Will shipping be hard? Or accepting PayPal? Or keeping track or things? I've done just about every bit of research that I can to try to get an understanding of how things work and what to expect so there's really nothing left but to go for it.

So I'm goin' for it!

Meliss

Have you ever fought off the negative brain chatter and accomplished something really great? Let me know.