I Choose This

So I just finished reading a great post by illustrator David Billings of Sparkyfirepants about being your own person (or bot) whoever that may be. I'm feeling frustrated because I've had a night of being mad at the kids and the messy house, and its really not the easiest thing to type and nurse a grouchy baby at the same time. And I'm not the greatest typist to begin with. (picture by artist David Billings)

But reflecting on his words make me think that I'm not being my own bot. Now he was talking about not being ashamed of who you are. If you love math or Legos or whatever, do your best at whatever you love and don't let those who don't understand your thing stop you from doing or enjoying your thing. I get that.

But then I wondered if I'm not being my own bot in another way. Here I am stuck in the middle of the life I chose and feeling like I really need a vacation. Like I'm severely under appreciated or maybe I somehow got gypped. But I chose this. I wanted to be a stay home mom with a house and a cat. I know there are a lot of moms out there that would love to stay home with the kids all day and can't for some reason, and there are a lot of women who would love to be moms but can't for some reason. In that sense I'm very blessed, so what exactly is it that I think I need a vacation from?

I have always enjoyed making art and have continued to try to do so even when I didn't get support because it wasn't "real" art or it wasn't a good money maker or any of the other reasons that so called, well meaning naysayers tend to give. But I didn't chose art as my career. I didn't go to art school or start off trying to make money for the things I made (though the idea is exciting). I chose to be a mom. That's what I do. I make lunch and clean house, I wipe noses and help with school work, and I think maybe I've been a little lax in my responsibilities. I don't always want to make lunch or change diapers or try to explain the math again. Maybe that's normal to get burned out on the things you like sometimes, or maybe I'm doing the under appreciating. I get so frustrated when I'm trying to do a few things that I've attached some deadline or goal to, and I get a million interruptions because 1 is hungry and 1 needs help with school and 1 is screaming for attention and 1 is just screaming.(Yes, I have 4) But I think I must have lost touch with myself somewhere. If I stop and just be the mom, not momish and 2 or 3 other things at the same time, everything runs more smoothly in the end.

My kids are good kids. They are some of the most polite, considerate, well behaved kids of any I know, and I don't say that just because I'm their mom. I've been told this many times. Yes, they push my buttons, that's their job. So whats my problem? When I think about, I don't really know. There's a part of me that really wants to create, and to feel good about what I've made and to share it with others. That part of me doesn't get much time because the mom part of me has priority right now. Maybe the artist part just feels like whining right now. But it knows it's time will come. The kids will grow up and rely on me less and less, maybe not at all at some point. Then the artist part will have tons of time on her hands and the mom part will whine because she feels like she was somehow gypped. Maybe they should both stop whining and be happy for what they have. (and maybe I should stop talking about myself in third person. people.)

Mr. Billings' blog also talked about when little kids do silly things just because it seems good to do at the time, and how as we grow older, we stop putting ourselves out there because we've been taught that it's not good to be weird or not fit in. It reminded me of a sort of revelation I had last week. My nearly 5 yr old daughter asked me what it means to be embarrassed. I did my best to explain in terms she would understand. I said stuff like 'it's like being ashamed when you do something, like foofing really loud during a prayer.' Then I realized that that would not embarrass my daughter, she would probably laugh hysterically. (I would be embarrassed) Then I realized that if she felt embarrassment (or shame ) for that it would probably be because she got scolded for it and told that it was inappropriate, or impolite. I imagine the twinkly smile on her face instantly dropping into a downcast look, mouth in a frown, avoiding eye contact, and maybe with a quavering voice apologizing for being wrong. And I realized that, by my definition anyway, embarrassment is closely related to shame, and it is learned.

I think I've seen my little girls (all three) make that very face. I think I probably caused it. Then I worry a little bit. Have I caused them to be wallflowers because I over reacted to something at some time. ( yes, in that incident, they do need to learn tact and self control, but there are many other incidents that people get embarrassed from) I think about the things that embarrass me, or in that I am the proverbial wallflower, that I feel terrified to jump out there and try, and that fear is tied to embarrassment. Is it shame too? What are we doing to our kids, to ourselves when we chastise or criticize things we don't agree with or don't understand. Do we hold ourselves back from doing great things because we are embarrassed? Ashamed or afraid to be criticized? And what great blessings are we missing out on, or potentially causing our children to miss out on, by instilling that shame in them. To be ashamed at true wrongdoing is one thing. I think that's healthy and a good sign that a person has a conscience, but to feel ashamed or embarrassed to so something good...that is a great disfavor to everyone involved.

So am I not being my own bot? Am I not putting myself fully in the role or roles that I've chosen for myself? That's another question. Can I really be in two major roles, or do I need to concentrate on doing one well? And what am I missing out on by being embarrassed or listening to that scolding that says I'm not supposed to do it that way? How do we ignore useless criticism and still have ears to listen to wise council? If these are all the things that a child must try to figure out in the first 5 years then no wonder they zone out and go on wild runs sometimes. While my artist side is very excited by recent accomplishments, she must be reasonable and remember that mom side has a lot more work to do. I will continue to create things like I always have, but I cannot spend 40+ hours a week in the studio. I'll be lucky if I get 2. And while that is much slower going than I would prefer, it's OK. I have the even more important job of helping 4 little ones find the right path and "be their own bots."

Meliss